A Moment In Time

As I sat on the beach Saturday afternoon, suddenly there you were. I felt you with me. My vision was clear, but my thoughts and heart were clouded by memories of you. At first it felt good thinking of you and how you once awakened something sleeping within me…then my irrational joy turned to sadness when I realized you’re gone and will never return. Now, I’m left with the unpleasant task of forgetting you and I don’t know how to begin. Each time I try, you always invade my deepest thoughts and make me long for something that was once a perfect connection…brief, fragile and not strong enough to withstand the test of time and distance. The memory of you makes me feel weak.

 

 

©2005 Abnormally Normal People. All rights reserved.

The True Emotional Vampires

Subtitled: Bad Boys Aren’t Liars!

 

When I wrote the entry about there being a wolf amongst us here in Spaces, I felt pretty strongly about it. Yes, I felt that the person was wrong for not saying something to warn others and also for allowing themselves to be a victim in the first place. Then I started thinking about how we all are victims at one time or another whether we want to admit it or not. Even the wisest person can be fooled and hindsight is 20/20.

I’ve always prided myself in managing to get through this much life without becoming cynical. Then it hit me…what in hell do I have to be proud about? That I allow people who have their games down pat to run their BS on me? That I choose to remain hopeful and optimistic when all indicators have shown me that I need to be just the opposite? I think I fall into that group who automatically believes people with titles are exempt from the normal crud the rest of us wallow in.  How positively idealistic of me!  Aren’t learned people supposed to be better than that? Aren’t the people in power supposed to protect the rest of us? Aren’t the doctors, lawyers, priests and politicians etc. etc. supposed to have our best interests at heart? Ha! There spawn the lies and deceit! They start believing their own hype and most conveniently rise above the rest of us!

So when it comes right down to it, who amongst us crawls out of the stench-filled trenches we call "life" untouched? Yes, life can be, at times, enough to make a person want to suck a tailpipe, swing from a noose, splatter their heads on a wall or do one of the many creative forms of checking out early, but the strong get through it to bitch and moan and give testimony to the true meaning of a happy life.  Now, there’s a great oxymoron…happy life?

I’ve never been one to really care about what others think of me…why waste my time because a person can never please everyone all of the time? Why bother because what’s in it for me? Fame? Fortune? Everlasting love and admiration? Ha!  Please excuse me while I vomit. To thine ownself be true! Thank you very much, but I think I’ll stick with self-respect!   I rather like the stench from which I emerged! My life is stained only by the times I’ve allowed wolves disguised as sheep to came calling. They came with the hidden intent to hurt and devour as much as they could. They came to stroke their own egos, to satiate a sick need to conquer and to walk away with their saintly reputation intact.

You know right now I actually admire those men in my life who haven’t tried to cover up who they really were. I have to admire someone who right from the start looked me in the eyes and said, "Enter at your own risk, babe; I’m an asshole!" Those men were true to their word…they acknowledged who and what they were. They knew what they were capable of giving and didn’t try to pretty it up with empty promises. Those men approached sex for the shear pleasure of the act. Those men took what the wanted and kicked the rest to the curb. If by some wild chance they kept me along for the ride, what a ride it was, but all rides come to an end. I knew that from the beginning. It was given to me as a choice.  Free will, baby and I made that choice. Those bad boys played by rules of fairplay and free choice.

Now, the problem I have is with the slithering cowards who feel they have to pretty up their actions with deceit and change the rules as they go. They reel you in under the pretext of being wounded or being needy. Ha! There are the real wolves in sheep’s clothing! Bastards treating life as if it were scenes from a movie. I’ve known some I would actually nominate for an Academy Award. Now scanning back over time, I feel robbed and cheated by the actors because their roles were only fantasy and their roles were cast as a self-serving hedonist disguised as a "nice guy".  As they got older and wiser, they learned more about human frailty and used it to their advantage. They live firmly surrounded and protected by a convincing wall of hypocrisy. They dupe people into their game… they lure unsuspecting victims into playing their own game of life under the noble label of  "nice guy".  I always wondered why they referred to that label as being "the kiss of death".  What a strange twist that meaning has taken. Ha! Ha! The joke is on us… their victims! These pretenders are emotional vampires and should be avoided at all costs. My sagely advice to all young women would be:

Ladies, run for your life when you meet a man who appeals to all your nurturing instincts or appears to be the epitome of goodness. Those unholy bastards will tell you they love you while they drain you dry and go merrily onto their next victim. They have no conscience or sense of decency! Take a chance…go for the one offering you a ride of a lifetime. Those are the honest men! If nothing else, you’ll always look back on that time with a smile while the memories of the others will be forever tainted with the nauseous feeling you got when you first realized it was all a figment of your very active imagination.

Is It Real?

We all know what love feels like. Unfortunately, most people have experienced the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat in the relationship arena several times throughout their lives. Now, here comes this whole new venue… the Internet. For many years, the Internet has been providing people with a method of connecting with other people from all over the world and from all walks of life. Much has been written about Internet relationships and it gradually is becoming an acceptable way to meet a potential mate. Unfortunately, what stands out in most people’s minds are the horror stories, yet there are success stories, too. Hopefully, those people will step forward and educate us about Internet relationships.

One of the biggest differences between Internet relationships and conventional ones are the number of obstacles involved to make it considered a success, but much like the conventional way of meeting people, online relationships start with a spark of interest. We simply "see" something in someone else that makes us want to get to know that person better. We can provide information about ourselves through online profiles, personal websites and now, through creating and maintaining a blog. Sure, a person can post pictures, but when engaged in the getting to know each other process, a person has to rely primarily upon typed text. Remember words are primarily what are going to attract people to you on the Internet, so choose them wisely. Take your time..don’t rush! When and if the time is right, a meeting F2F will occur and until then, explore the unknown by asking lots of questions. The only stupid question is the one that remains unasked and someone who really wants to know you will gladly participate in answering anything asked.

So can people fall in love with each other on the Internet? Skeptics say no. Skeptics think feelings can only develop when a relationship starts through conventional means. People who have gotten to know other people via the Internet tend to believe anything is possible and know a true sense of caring about other people can develop. Is that caring a form of love? I personally think that when two people develop feelings for each other, it doesn’t necessarily have to follow any certain path. Love has no rules and means different things for different people. Love leads us in many different directions and holds a different adventure for each person.

The mode of communication people use to get to know one another is merely a tool and we all use the tools available to us in many different ways. Ideally, we use our 5 senses to help us get to know a person, but like a blind person whose other senses heighten in the absence of sight, people building relationships on the Internet learn to develop an acute sense of sight and hearing if voice chat and/or the telephone. Often times intuition plays a huge role in the development of a relationship. I tend to think when two people spend several hours each day together feelings will develop. It doesn’t matter under what circumstances those hours are spent just as long as the two people are together. As real feelings develop, an enormous desire to meet the person also develops. A need to have the person be a real part of your life is an essential element in classifying whether a relationship/feelings are real or not. Without it, the relationship is just like any other superficial relationship.

When two people start communicating knowing each other’s location is a very important factor. The further away someone lives the less likelihood there is that a meeting may ever occur. People should always ask themselves just what they are willing to sacrifice in order to make a relationship work. The likelihood of one or the other giving up all they know and have to move to parts unknown is slim to nil. I’m not saying this doesn’t ever happen. All I’m saying is that making any relationship happen is very difficult, so why even start one if the odds are stacked against it from the beginning? A realistic evaluation of what having a relationship may cost you is something each person should do. Weight the pros and cons and make a decision based upon that. Believing love conquers all is a beautiful thought, but in reality it’s a bit idealistic. Sometimes people just can’t work through all the obstacles to be together. Sometimes they just run out of steam and find having a relationship is an impossible feat. When a meeting does happen and two people find that the feelings they have developed are real, they are then faced with what to do with those feelings. Can you move a mountain to be with that person on a full-time basis? If you answer yes then you’re well on your way to having a great relationship. If the answer is no, get ready to be filled with intense frustration and disappointment.

Sometimes relationships happen quite unexpectedly. A person might walk into your life who is just aimlessly wandering through cyberspace. This person may be lost and dealing with mental anguish in their life. You might become a pleasant distraction for them and in the process of being a distraction, they learn that they can actually smile and feel good about opening up to another human being. They might find it feels good to open up and share what’s inside. I think often times feelings are easy to develop if you are emotionally needy. Over the course of many years, I have chatted with and gotten to know many people. Whenever I run into someone who most likely is suffering from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and/or depression, I always caution them to be aware of people out here in cyberspace. Yes, there are many good people out here, but there are also those sick individuals looking for someone to take advantage of. The Internet is loaded with predators who prey upon the weak and the needy.

So is this real? Yes, it is! It’s just another facet of reality and reality is whatever we perceive it to be.  My advice to anyone embarking on an Internet relationship is don’t start something unless you can finish it or at least have time to participate in it. Spare yourself and someone else alot hurt feelings, disappointment and ultimately, a broken heart. Love comes in many forms and can be a rewarding experience when it happens. Love is like a diamond in the rough! It may take alot of work to polish it to perfection, but once you have, what you have is a flawless gem worth the time and effort you put into it.  

 

 

Love At First Byte

In the many years I’ve used the Internet, I’ve often wondered just what is the appeal of getting to know a person via electronic means rather than doing it face to face (F2F).  I think most people would have to agree that F2F is definitely the preferred method of meeting, getting to know a person and conducting a relationship, but internet romances and friendships can and do happen everyday and in some cases, are successful. For many people, the Internet opens up a whole world of people that normally a person would never have the opportunity to meet. Some say having an online relationship or developing feelings for a person you have never officially met is impossible while other people can testify to both the benefits and drawbacks of Internet relationships. I think for people who need instant gratification, an internet relationship isn’t the type of relationship that can bring fulfillment of any kind, but for those patient people who seem capable of enduring hardships and working towards a mutual goal, the internet may just be the way to find that special someone.

From my experience, the Internet has allowed me to meet some people I would have never met any other way. Do I consider these people I have contact with as friends? I suppose I would have to answer that by saying that the level of mutual intimacy would dictate whether or not I consider anyone a friend either in real life (IRL) or on the Internet. I have a few people with whom I have become very well acquainted over a period of several years and do consider them as friends. We remember each other’s birthdays and are privy to the intimate details of each other’s lives. These are people I don’t need to hear from every day, but I know they are there if I need them. Are they people whom I have met F2F? Not all of them, but yes, I would have to say that when the opportunity does arise, I do meet people F2F that I have established an online relationship with over a period of time.

Getting to know someone by chatting is an easy way to open up and form a bond. It’s a way to exchange ideas and beliefs that extend past the initial ASL (age/sex/location) catch phrase that clutters the Internet. IRL sometimes it’s difficult to reveal intimate detail of one’s life F2F and sometimes distractions interfere with getting to know a person. IRL, I believe one of the biggest distractions to getting to know a person is physical chemistry. I think we’ve all  been in a relationship with someone we are extremely physically attracted to only to find out months or years later when we come up for air that this person is someone we really don’t like. The Internet postpones that actual physical consummation of a relationship. Yes, you can feel the attraction by looking at pictures or chatting cam to cam (C2C).  Yes, you can imagine what being with this someone would feel like, but actually touching the person is something that one will never know unless a F2F meeting occurs. We are forced to exchange information because watching a movie together or spending time engaged in hours of playful foreplay isn’t possible via the Internet.

Yes, a person can indulge in cybersex, phonesex or mutually "playing" C2C, but generally speaking those things, if they do happen, aren’t done at first unless that’s all the people involved are into doing. It’s fairly obvious if someone you meet on the Internet is interested in "playing" or in getting to know a person. Some of the wittiest chats I have had with people have been quite unexpected and formed the groundwork for getting to know a person. Some disbelievers say that there are too many phonies, game-players and predators on the Internet and I must agree. A person can be anything they choose to be on the Internet, but what I have discovered to be true is that the real "you" does filter through the typed text on a screen. People with strong personalities tend to come across loud and clear and it’s quite easy to get a feel for the person by exchanging e-mails, chatting and now through blogging. Those people who "pretend" to be something other than what they really are can only keep up the act for so long before the real person immerges. The front usually becomes clear with a little investigation or some well-timed questions. Trust your instincts and don’t overlook the red flags. There really are some good people out here in cyberspace who are worthy of befriending and possibly taking it to the next level IRL. It might take alittle sifting through the riff-raff, but in the end, if you stick with it, you just might find a real friend or two.

Dreamless In Pensacola

Dreaming for me is a major feat and one that I truly get excited about upon waking and realizing I had a dream.  I never know when I’m going to dream, but I do know what prevents me from dreaming most nights. When a normal person falls asleep, REM (Rapid Eye Movement) will occur.  Once REM is reached, the brain allows the person to drift into the land of dreams.  For a person with sleep apnea, dreams rarely occur because the apnea prevents the body from reaching REM.  Sleep, for the apneatic person, consists of a series of falling asleep, the windpipe collapsing making the person stop breathing and then the brain signaling the person to wake up so breathing can be resumed.

Waking up rarely consists of becoming fully awake, but just to a level of consciousness to resume breathing.  The repetitiously broken sleep pattern of a sleep apneatic person causes daytime fatigue because our bodies become revitalized during REM. Sleep apnea prevents the revitalization process to occur. Several other things can and do happen while the apneatic person sleeps, but I won’t bore anyone with those details right now.

What I will conclude my explanation of being virtually dreamless with is the declaration that having sleep apnea sucks. My reason for writing this entry is not to solicit remedies for sleep apnea because I have tried them all, but to share the last dream I was fortunate enough to have. I believe the reason I remember my dreams so vividly is because my brain is so starved for REM that on that rare occurance when it does happen, it’s like giving a heroin addict a fix when they start to go into withdrawal. The dream that usually occurs is not only vivid, but very pleasurable as well.

Like most self-respecting women, I own a slinky black nightie.  Mine was left in Texas to act as a "security blanket" for the object of my affection.  On my last visit there…the one that ended in such a disaster, I retrieved my black nightie and brought it back home with me where it belonged.  I couldn’t wear it at first.  I was afraid that the memories it would invoke would add to my already gloomy disposition. It wasn’t until several nights ago that I slipped it on to see how it felt.  As it glided over my skin, I smiled.  The fabric it’s made from feels so good against my skin.  The way it softly clings created an almost erotic sensation immediately and as I drifted off into slumber that night, I did so with a smile. Upon waking in the morning, I was startled by the vivid recollection of a dream I had just had.  

I drifted back to the room with soft white walls I had just been in while I dreamed. The french doors were wide open letting the sunshine fill the room and the warm tropical air circulate as the sheer white curtains blew in the breeze.  I stood gazing out the doors at the desserted beach below. The salt spray from the ocean dampened my skin giving it a glistening effect in the sunlight.  Suddenly, from behind, pair of man’s hands started carassing my arms as he pressed his body against mine.  His touch made my whole body shudder. 

At first, his touch light and playful and then turned a little more forceful with urgency as he guided me to the wall.  I was pinned facing the wall. From behind, he placed my hands on the wall as if he was going to frisk me like a cop would do. Slowly he traced the outline of my body with his fingertips and lips, lingering on my neck as if he knew the intense pleasure that would bring me. When he reached the bottom of my short black nightie, he slowly began to run his hands beneath it.  Up my thighs his hands went moving to the front of my body until he reached my breasts. It was then I was awakened from my dream and never saw the face of the man who brought me so much pleasure.

Another Brick In The Wall

I wrote an entry earlier today that expressed some negative feelings about the cosmos playing some twisted practical joke on me concerning three men named Thomas.  I later decided to delete the entry and just let it go. What’s the point in dwelling on what’s already been done?  I’m sure each Thomas would claim their intention was not to hurt me, but the fact remains that the road to hell is paved with good intentions and I did get hurt. The particulars aren’t that important now and this evening I just feel empty and numb… comfortably numb. It’d be too easy to bash all men, but I can’t and won’t do that.  I actually believe that most men are decent people who try to protect and respect their loved ones.  That’s the thought I want to take with me tonight as I fall asleep and not the hate-filled rhetoric that has been clouding my thoughts all day.

 

Preferences

From the time we are young children we develop preferences. First, we might learn which games we like best or what foods appeal to us and then somewhere along the way we develop other preferences like a sense of style and musical tastes as we mature. While developing our sense of self, our hormones start to rage and we discover the opposite sex and in some cases, the same sex. From that day on, we seem as if we’re on a quest seeking out that elusive perfect mate that fits into the ideals and preferences we have developed along the way. Some are lucky enough to have eventually found a person who fits that description, while others search their entire lives only to find wolves hiding in sheep’s clothing.

For me, tall, intelligent, witty, unconventional men with a little meat on their bones seem to match my mental image of what an ideal man is. Cross Grizzly Adams, Captain Ron and Indiana Jones and you have my ideal man. Hair and eye color doesn’t matter, because long ago, I learned beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and my ideal man while being wildly handsome and very appealing to me, may not be to the next female. That’s just how preferences are!

What I can’t understand is why any male would actually get offended when they learn that I’m not romantically attracted to short men. I’ve been accused of being shallow and superficial for having a preference for tall men. I’ve been argued with about it like my preference would miraculously change if the argument were won by some short male with a thing for tall women. I have several male friends who are shorter than me, but my heart doesn’t skip a beat until that tall frog jumps in my pond and catches my eye.

Not once in my life have I ever been offended if a man I meet likes short blondes or if a man my age prefers 25 year olds. All it tells me is that while I may be a candidate for friendship, he’s never going to want me for anything more than that. So why waste my time trying to make him feel uncomfortable about his preferences or make him feel he’s defective in some way because I’m not his ideal woman? In reality, I wouldn’t want someone who doesn’t want me!

People who are unaccepting of things like others’ preferences have deep control issues. These people not only have very few actual preferences because they have no idea what they really like, but they seem to always just settle for anyone who will have them. For them, having a relationship means being totally obsessed with possessing what they view as theirs and sadly enough; they go through life only scaring people away with their bully act. Why not just live and let live and gravitate towards what makes you feel the best?

How the hell do you attract a healthy mate?

From Reeking Havoc’s Space:

How the hell do you attract a healthy mate?

By being healthy yourself!

Even people who have mental illness can manifest emotional health if they practice kindness toward themselves and a determined effort to do the behaviors that maintain health.

How do you attract an unhealthy mate? By looking for someone who will make you happy.

Nobody can do that.

Except you.

How?

By looking at yourself and seeing the many ways that you TRY TOO HARD!

You can’t get happiness because it is not out there in your environment. It’s inside you, it’s your natural state, but it’s just covered over by all these habits of running away from things that scare you, grabbing at things you want, trampling other people to get to a goal…

It’s your natural state, your birthright….

Problem is this confusion we’re taught to have about external vs internal. We react to things we think we see outside ourselves that threaten or enhance our happiness. But in fact we are reacting to our feelings about these things, trying to fight our feelings by fighting the world. Kinda like stopping Joe by hitting Sam. Doesn’t work. Makes things worse. Makes us (and Joe and Sam!) confused…

…or trying to get good feelings by getting some goodie like a double fudge ice cream cone or a Cadillac or a sexy, vibrant partner…(OOPS! Why didn’t it work? Maybe I just haven’t found the ultimate goodie yet….)

"Well, goshdurn it, Havoc, what do I DO??"

Just stop! Be still a moment. Look at yourself. See the illusions…

 

From Red Kitten:

I don’t know if I entirely agree with Reeking Havoc on this one, but it gave me food for thought. My search for a long-term partner has nothing to do with finding someone to make me happy or to complete me as a person. I simply feel I have a vacancy in my life where a mate would ordinarily be. The notion of sharing my life with someone still appeals to me, so call me weird! Happiness? Sure! That would be great, but I think happiness between two people is something that develops over time…after the sparks die down some.  In the beginning everyone is wonderful and bliss is in abundance! And as for personal happiness…for the most part, I’m satisfied with the person I am. I haven’t reached that "self-actualized" stage yet, but am working towards it with or without a partner.

RH makes the point of trying too hard, but is there such a thing? And isn’t trying too hard in anything better than not trying at all? We may look in the wrong places, have issues that cloud our judgment or have standards set so high that no one fits the description of what we are looking for.  Whatever the problem is that leads us to being mateless, I doubt trying too hard is the culprit.  At least it isn’t in my case!

I can honestly say, I, for the most part, am a happy person and feel deserving of someone who will treat me well.  No, I don’t walk around delirious all the time nor do I consider myself suffering from depression or any type of mental illness…not unless being a freak magnet is a mental illness. Sometimes I get blue…who doesn’t? And sometimes I feel happy…mostly I just live and take each day as it comes.  That’s what works best for me.  Look in the mirror? I do that everyday. In fact, I think I may be my own worst critic! Yes, happiness and personal growth should be sought within, but many times, have nothing to do with the fact that a person is without a significant other. 

What I have found in life is that it’s easy to give advice if you don’t suffer from the problem you are giving advice about. It’s a jungle out here and for a single person, many times the prospects are bleak at best. I fluctuate from accepting that I most likely will go through the rest of my life alone and being okay with that and waking up some mornings mad that I have accepted that fate and feeling the urge to look again. Maybe where I look isn’t the best places, but regardless of the place, people can and will be the same. People are people whether it’s at church, at work or online.  You just have to jump in and swim around with the frogs to find one you think is worth kissing.  Hopefully, with luck and enough kissing, eventually the right frog will come along.

Monday Madness

Men are from Mars and women are from Venus! I know I have stated that many times since I first started blogging, but each step of the way, each new insight, makes the distance seem clearer to me. Not only are we physically different, but we are mentally, emotionally and spiritually different. Since losing my "gunfight" in Texas, I’ve laid down my weapons and decided to really look at what makes Karen tick. Some things have made me laugh, but others have humbled me to the point of making me sick since the realization that I place myself in situations that have high potential to bring me pain is not a nice thing to know about myself. This is something I have known for a long time in varying degrees, but what has become apparent to me is that I don’t know if I have the strength to  alter that behavior.  I feel almost powerless over the forces that steer those behaviors.

Okay, I recognize this about myself, so what do I do with it? Better yet, where the hell did it come from? Why did I develop a need to place myself in relationships that are doomed from the start? Self-destructive? Oh yes! That’s me! So tell me why would a perfectly sane person, go through a disastrous time with a person who is technically unavailable and then accept a date from another person in the same situation? Is it a safe place because I know these people cannot or will not commit to anything serious thus  I can play the "everything is ideal" game until things fall apart and they always do or is it a need to punish myself because I don’t feel quite good enough to have a normal relationship with someone who can and will explore what lies ahead? Monday madness for sure and some food for thought for the week ahead!

 

See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me

Since reality is whatever we perceive it to be, I have come to the conclusion after years of struggling with the anatomy of online relationships that it is possible and quite likely to develop real feelings for someone through online contact. Yes, this contact sometimes leads to RL (real life) encounters…sometimes it doesn’t! Encounters happen depending upon the two people involved, their desire/need to connect in real life and upon having the opportunity to actually make it possible. Let’s face it, some people just can’t go jetting off all over the country or world just to meet someone they chatted with online.

What I find disturbing is that when these things do carry over into real life, that the physical aspect somehow changes things. Online relationships are developed in the absence of having a physical relationship to go along with the getting to know the person stage. (Sorry guys, but cybersex and phonesex doesn’t count!) While the desire to have a physical relationship may be overwhelming at times, the lack of one forces the two people to get to know each other on a level that probably in real life would take a lot longer to develop. Sex is a distracter and because it’s so pleasurable we tend to focus our attention on that and instead of what’s really inside. I can’t tell you how many times in my past I have jumped into physical relationships without getting to know the person first, then woke up one morning many months later realizing that I don’t really like the person. It’s rather rough to have developed this intense physical thing with someone that under different circumstances wouldn’t even be a friend. So people chat online and banter back and forth…sparks fly!

The people that develop real relationships are the ones who strive to let the real person filter through their typed words. It’s scary to be revealing. It’s also risky! Being honest is important, but not just being honest with the other person, but with yourself as well. All relationships start off with the best being shown. We laugh and share information and all is well in the universe. I suggest being candid with the person. Don’t shock the person, but in chatting turn the topics onto things that touch your everyday life. Share your thoughts and listen to theirs. If the conversations seem to always gravitate towards one topic…like sex, for instance, then you can almost depend on the fact that if the relationship takes that next step into real life, sex will be its prime focus there as well. That’s fine if that’s what a person is looking for, but my point is to know what you really want and not to settle for less.

People are not going to change who they are to please someone else. Real changes occur when we feel we need to change! We’ve all become who we are through years of experiences, both good and bad and the person that we are is who we are most comfortable in being. We may not always like ourselves, but it’s what we are familiar with being…it’s what feels right! Behaviors may change as we adapt to different situations, but true change takes a very long time and unlikely to occur unless a real need to do so is present. How many people do you know who has done a complete turn around in their life? Over the course of my life I have changed many behaviors…mainly those ones that have been self-destructive. I’ve done this when I made the conscious decision to live. Otherwise I knew I would die young…this wasn’t what I wanted! I still see aspects of that self destructiveness at play primarily in the choices I have made in relationships, but I work hard now to battle that tendency. So far I’m still alone, but with me I carry the hope and faith that there is someone out there for me who will love and understand me. I believe there is someone out there who can go the distance and that distance will be a neverending adventure.