Forgiveness

On my one year anniversary to Spaces I’d like to repost the very first entry I ever wrote.  In lieu of many things, I feel this post is as valid as it was a year ago.   A special thanks goes out to all those who have travelled the path with me.  Some have come and gone while others remain steadfast…all are remembered and have a special place in my heart.

 

 

As I step into this vast arena, the words of Socrates come to mind. "An unexamined life is not worth living." Today, I looked inside and discovered it takes a stronger person to forgive than it does to remain steadfast on my principles and beliefs. Anger, disappointment and fear are all very powerful negative feelings. More often than not, those negative feelings are created by someone close to us and designed to manipulate and control. Today, I learned how to be free and look past the negative feelings. The gamble isn’t in loving, but in stepping outside the safety of the all the positive feelings and being able to choose a particular path based solely upon what my heart tells me to do. Doing that gave me an incredible sense of personal power and freedom. Today I learned love isn’t about being right, but about being me.

They say "to err is human and to forgive is divine". I guess that makes me extremely human and working towards divinity. Forgiving others is a cinch! I find what’s hardest is to forgive myself, yet I truly believe it’s okay to make mistakes as long as a person learns from the mistakes they make. Without mistakes a person can never grow, learn and test the boundaries of life. Have I learned from my mistakes? Would I repetitiously do the same stupid things ? I think as I examine my life and the world around me within this blog, the answer to those questions will unfold. This journey may get a little bumpy along the way, so please fasten your seat belts and put your crash helmet on as a safety precaution. The air bags are functional and the driver hasn’t lost anyone yet! Just follow the yellow brick road…

 

Zen and The Wisdom Of Life

This was sent to me by an old dear friend.  Truer words were never written!

It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal
your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

Sex is like air — it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

No one is listening until you fart.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple
of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away, and you have their shoes.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
worth it.

Don’t worry–It only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

Finding Home

I’ve sat here for over an hour just looking at my monitor screen as if it was going to magically inspire me to write about some topic. There’s always religion and politics, but to be honest with you, I’m just not in the mood to dive into that arena this morning. No matter what topic I toss around in my head, my thoughts keep coming back to my health concerns. Isn’t it funny how self-centered we become when we face a personal crisis of any type? I think I’ve been doing a fairly good job with coping, but then I start to wonder just how focused I am when I’ve started losing things. A few weeks ago I lost my cell phone. I remember it ringing shortly after I returned home one evening. When I answered the call, I noticed that the battery was low, so I asked the caller if I could call him back on my home phone.

I, then picked up my home phone from its charger in one hand, had my cell phone in my other hand and walked upstairs to my bedroom. That’s the last I’ve seen of my cell phone in about two weeks. When I discovered my cell phone not in its charger a few hours later that same evening, I started looking for it. I called it to see if I could hear it ringing, but it’s almost as if it has vanished into some new dimension or was abducted by aliens. I want to say I looked everywhere for it, but obviously I haven’t since I haven’t found it yet. When my daughter checked on getting a replacement for it for me, I found out a new phone would cost over a hundred dollars. Call me cheap, but I can’t see buying a phone that will cost next to nothing when my contract is renewed in a few days from now.

Today I did it again! For me, sunglasses are a must. I always wear them when I’m outside. Today, I took my glasses case from my purse, put my sunglasses on and put my eyeglasses in the case and thought I put the case inside my purse like I always do. When I reached the house I was trying to finish work on so I could submit the bill to the owner (I paint houses in my spare time), I searched for my glasses case, but couldn’t find it. I thought that maybe my purse had fallen over in the frontseat and that my case would be laying on the seat or floorboard, yet when I went to retrieve it from my car, my glasses were nowhere to be found. I was certain that when I returned home, I would find the case sitting next to where my purse had been sitting on my dining room table. Much to my surprise, I still haven’t located my glasses.

Obviously, my cell phone and my glasses have decided to take an extended vacation to the lost items paradise. I’m beginning to think my mind is amongst those things I have recently lost also. It makes me think of a key chain I had many years ago (or was that just yesterday?). The catchy little phrase that was on it always made me smile. "Of all the things I’ve lost in life, I miss my mind the most."

So now, not only am I dealing with dangerously high blood pressure and an erratic heart rate/pulse, but I believe I’m becoming prematurely senile. I think Monday when I go to work, I need to pin a note to my shirt with my name, address and home phone number in case I get lost or wander off somewhere and haven’t a clue as to where I am or who I am. Geez…on second thought that might be interesting! I’ve always loved aimlessly wandering, but somehow I never envisioned it to be in a hospital parking lot. I guess considering what’s going on with me, a hospital parking lot is probably the best place for me to aimlessly wander. Perhaps, I’ll even find my glasses and cellphone right next to my mind in that comfortable padded cell with my name on it.

 

©2005 Abnormally Normal People. All rights reserved.

Houston, We Have A Problem…

I’ve sat here for over an hour just looking at my monitor screen as if it was going to magically inspire me to write about some topic. There’s always religion and politics, but to be honest with you, I’m just not in the mood to dive into that arena this morning. No matter what topic I toss around in my head, my thoughts keep coming back to my health concerns. Isn’t it funny how self-centered we become when we face a personal crisis of any type? I think I’ve been doing a fairly good job with coping, but then I start to wonder just how focused I am when I’ve started losing things. A few weeks ago I lost my cell phone. I remember it ringing shortly after I returned home one evening. When I answered the call, I noticed that the battery was low, so I asked the caller if I could call him back on my home phone.

I, then picked up my home phone from its charger in one hand, had my cell phone in my other hand and walked upstairs to my bedroom. That’s the last I’ve seen of my cell phone in about two weeks. When I discovered my cell phone not in its charger a few hours later that same evening, I started looking for it. I called it to see if I could hear it ringing, but it’s almost as if it has vanished into some new dimension or was abducted by aliens. I want to say I looked everywhere for it, but obviously I haven’t since I haven’t found it yet. When my daughter checked on getting a replacement for it for me, I found out a new phone would cost over a hundred dollars. Call me cheap, but I can’t see buying a phone that will cost next to nothing when my contract is renewed in a few days from now.

Today I did it again! For me, sunglasses are a must. I always wear them when I’m outside. Today, I took my glasses case from my purse, put my sunglasses on and put my eyeglasses in the case and thought I put the case inside my purse like I always do. When I reached the house I was trying to finish work on so I could submit the bill to the owner (I paint houses in my spare time), I searched for my glasses case, but couldn’t find it. I thought that maybe my purse had fallen over in the frontseat and that my case would be laying on the seat or floorboard, yet when I went to retrieve it from my car, my glasses were nowhere to be found. I was certain that when I returned home, I would find the case sitting next to where my purse had been sitting on my dining room table. Much to my surprise, I still haven’t located my glasses.

Obviously, my cell phone and my glasses have decided to take an extended vacation to the lost items paradise. I’m beginning to think my mind is amongst those things I have recently lost also. It makes me think of a key chain I had many years ago (or was that just yesterday?). The catchy little phrase that was on it always made me smile. "Of all the things I’ve lost in life, I miss my mind the most."

So now, not only am I dealing with dangerously high blood pressure and an erratic heart rate/pulse, but I believe I’m becoming prematurely senile. I think Monday when I go to work, I need to pin a note to my shirt with my name, address and home phone number in case I get lost or wander off somewhere and haven’t a clue as to where I am or who I am. Geez…on second thought that might be interesting! I’ve always loved aimlessly wandering, but somehow I never envisioned it to be in a hospital parking lot. I guess considering what’s going on with me, a hospital parking lot is probably the best place for me to aimlessly wander. Perhaps, I’ll even find my glasses and cellphone right next to my mind in that comfortable padded cell with my name on it.

 

©2005 Abnormally Normal People. All rights reserved.

A Brief Update

I appreciate all those who have expressed their concern about my health.  The last few weeks have been rough ones for me.  My blood pressure and pulse rate have been dangerously elevated.  My doctor has changed my meds 3 times in just a few weeks.  I know sometimes it takes awhile to get the right combination of drugs that will will work for me.  Until then, I haven’t had the energy to do much of anything.  Hopefully, I can return soon to my normal activities. 

 

©2005 Abnormally Normal People. All rights reserved.

Nothing Is Constant But Work

In the last few months, my life seems to be in a state of metamorphosis. Change has never stressed me out nor has it ever really scared me. I try to look at whatever door opens as one closes behind me as just a new opportunity…a new adventure…a new beginning.

Recently my job ended and I found myself in the market for a new job. Luckily, I never had to even send out one resume or go on any interviews. A friend of mine who is a doctor offered me a job. The only thing I had to do take a urine test to screen for illegal substances. When I went to his office to meet with his office manager, so I could work out a schedule, I was introduced around his office. The office manager said she felt like she already knew me because in the last 5 years she has heard so much about me. Each person I met gave me basically the same reaction and I was told that for the past several years the standing joke around the office when something needed to be done that no one knew how to do was to say "let’s get Karen to do it…she can do anything!" Keep in mind these people didn’t know who Karen was…they had only heard of all the things I do.

I felt rather flattered, but also felt alittle pressured because these people had such high expectations of me. Later, I sarcastically thanked the doctor for bragging about my abilities. He laughed and told me that everything he told them over the years was the absolute truth. Hmmmmm…isn’t truth one of those subjective things? Yes, I have been a jack of all trades throughout my life and am the type of person who needs to only be shown how to do things once…maybe twice and then I seem to be able to do whatever task I set out to do. I suppose this has been a gift of some sort, but at times it has seemed more like a curse because I have found myself in certain circumstances that had me doing 3 people’s jobs at once. My problem in the past has always been to overload myself and not say no to anything asked of me.

Now, after years of pushing myself physically, I’ve developed certain degenerative conditions. I try to forge ahead ignoring the pain and the limitations that these conditions have created for me. Most people still view me as "Wonder Woman" and I just laugh. I know those days are long behind me and I have to go at a more realistic pace, so I won’t burn out and become an invalid. Acceptance was very difficult for me and I fought it for such a long time.

Now, each morning while I’m getting ready to go to work, I tell myself it’s okay to be less than perfect. It’s okay to make mistakes and it’s okay not to know how to do everything. I’ll no doubt learn my new job and excel in it, but I no longer feel the need to be able to do it all. I believe it has displayed far more strength to accept my limitations and go on from there then it did for me to constantly push myself and permanently damage my body. I chalk that up to me being self-destructive. Not many people would tell anyone who appears to be "driven" to slow down or not to work 80 hours a week. Being a workaholic is a socially acceptable addiction, yet it is one that causes similar problems as other addictions. The isolation, alienation and escape that workaholics experience is similar to negative effects of drug addiction. The biggest difference is that the drug of choice (work) is legal and isn’t deemed a "negative" thing. Let’s face it… too much work does cause relationship problems and it can cause health problems also.

I sit here smiling because I started this entry by not really knowing what I was going to write. I just felt like I wanted to write something because it had been a few days since I posted anything. It seems that I’ve been worn out when I come home from my new job and then on the weekends I’ve been working a second job. I’ve gone several weeks without any time off. Crazy? Driven? Workaholic? I think it has more to do with the reality of being alone and wanting to get ahead, so I can retire someday and have some of the comforts that I haven’t been able to enjoy during my younger years.

 

 

©2005 Abnormally Normal People. All rights reserved.

I’m Off To See The Wizard

The day they were teaching the techniques and benefits of eyelash batting, I played hookie.  In fact, I think I may have been absent on several occasions because somehow I completely missed learning how to be regarded as high maintenance or as a damsel in distress.  My mother always told me that the squeaky wheel gets oiled, but I seemed to have developed a fierce independent streak and I carried my own oilcan wherever I went.  A picture of the tinman rusting away along side the yellow brick road comes to mind.  He had his own oilcan, too, but was unable to use it because he had become dysfunctional from rust.  Damn those freak rainstorms that come out of nowhere!  Like the tinman, have I become rusty and dysfunctional, too?  Should I dare to keep hoping to find the wizard so he can fix my problem?

Oh wait a minute, I’ve met plenty of pseudo wizards in my time who pretended to know how to solve the problem, but I want the real McCoy!  I’m tired of fooling with imposters who at best are only a tease and can’t perform as promised.   Damn those men behind the curtain trying to lure me into believing in empty promises and tomorrows that will never come!  The real wizard will see that my worthiness isn’t in any deed that I can do, but in my ability to love.  From where I sit I think he has a very easy undertaking in performing his magic on me.  Hey, I have a heart, a brain and courage.  I also know my way home.  All I need is someone to keep me well oiled both mentally and physically. Don’t you think that ought to be a no-brainer for the wizard?

Toys In The Attic

What a rare occurrence it is to be able to see yourself through someone else’s eyes. That very thing happened to me as I read Linda’s memories of me. I traveled back in time to a neighborhood in Bangor, Maine. What a bunch of hooligans we were! There I stood seeing myself as she once saw me. I laughed at what I saw because that wild child grew into the woman I am today. That rebellious streak never died and the quality of being a leader instead of follower seemed to shine through even at an early age. I looked through old pictures and memorabilia and found a clipping from my 8th birthday party. Wow! It made the newspaper! Things in Bangor in those days must have been pretty sedate! The article listed the people who attended and mentioned we all went and saw The King and I at the movies.  Those were the days!

 

 The following is an excerpt from an email Linda wrote to me :

 

"A few days ago I got an email from reunion.com. I had forgotten that I had signed up with them a long time ago and never went back. Just for the fun of it, I checked for new names since my last visit. I was surprised to see Karen Goggins! Being a rather shy person, I was at first afraid to write. I thought, What if she doesn’t remember me? What if she does remember me, but wants to leave that part of her life behind? What if I bring bad memories back to her? But then my alter ego (the bold, outgoing one that hides inside me) said..Go for it! What the hell are you waiting for?

As I sat there thinking of what to say, memories started flooding my mind. I went back to the days of hiding in your attic until everyone left your house so I could skip school, listening to 45′s on the victrola up there, the clubs we used to have. I remembered rushing home from school to get there in time to watch Dark Shadows, which I still love! I remembered special meals for the boys before a football game to give them their energy. I remembered sleepovers when I would talk to you in your sleep…what fun! And the Nehru suits we stole that were just alike. My first, almost kiss with John Marquis, was because of your encouragement. It never happened because we ended up bumping heads!"

 

I sit here tonight thinking back to a time long ago.  Suddenly, I was in a familiar place feeling as if I should be munching on Screaming Yellow Zonkers and reading a Zap comic book. Mr. Natural used to tell us "keep on truckin", while the toys in my attic allowed all of us to escape to an alternative reality free of pain.  The walls were completely covered with colorful handprints and the wide planked floor was painted in stripes.  It was furnished with old furniture I managed to save from a fate worse than death.  The amazing thing about that attic was how it had a imaginary barrier that kept all adults from intruding upon the sanctity of its cave-like qualities.  Oh yes, now reflecting back I have always had a cave, a safe place to go.  That cave was one of my finest and one I shared lovingly with many other lost souls.

A Blast From My Past

20 Walter Street, Bangor, Maine was where I called home as a child.  The house I grew up in was built in the 1800′s. Yes, you can say they don’t build them like that anymore! Although I moved away from Maine many years ago, I have always considered it "home". How ironic is it that the place I tried so desperately to escape from during my youth, now fills me with positive anticipation and a giddy eagerness?

I plan to visit Maine during the peak of autumn this year. That season has always been my favorite, thus holds a special place in my heart. Perhaps it’s because I’m a Labor Day baby and I identify heavily with the changing of the seasons. From the lush green of summer to the colorful splendor splashed across the landscape during fall, is when I feel contentment and reminds me of my station in life. I can almost imagine the crisp fall air upon my face and the wind blowing through my long hair as I stand atop a mountain looking off into the scenery below as if I was an artist and my eyes were the paintbrush. Oh, to stand on Cadillac Mountain over looking Bar Harbor or to climb to the summit of Mount Battie and gaze at Camden Harbor. These are, but a few things my heart longs to do.

Today is a special day for me. I received an email from a childhood friend or should I say, I received a notice that someone had tried contacting me thru reunion.com. and I also noticed the same person had signed my guestmap on my blog. Since I couldn’t read the message from my old friend on reunion.com because I’m not a "Gold" member, I contacted her via the email address she left on my guestmap. As I write this entry now, I’m waiting to hear back from her.

Now more than ever, I feel what a small world this really is and although many people may come and go during our lifetimes, the memories, the old friends and the bonds remain tucked safely away in our hearts. Yes, I had a tumultuous childhood, yet  the bond I feel with Maine  and my old friends isn’t a detrimental one. It’s a positive link to a place that almost caused my demise long ago. That place I stood many years ago is gone and I have risen above the pain that held me trapped.  My memories of that time and place aren’t all bad obviously.  When things like this happen and my immediate response is to smile, I know  the good has finally surfaced and I can feel triumphant over the demons and ghosts that held me prisoner long ago.

I almost want to bet when my friend came to my blog and saw that I had named it Abnormally Normal People, she laughed and knew she was in the right place. You see, even as a child I was bold and defiant, yet comical and consumed by deep thought. My life has always been a quest and one that I have lovingly shared with others. Today, I have the privilege to share my happiness with my dysfunctional Spaces family and welcome an old friend back into my life.  

To My Friends (A Tribute To Jan)

(The wording is slightly changed from how it was sent to me to better describe how I see friendship)

A young person sat on a sofa one hot humid day, drinking ice water and visiting with their parents. As they talked bout marriage, the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, one parent clinked the ice cubes in their glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon their child. "Don’t forget your friends," they advised, swirling the ice cubes around their glass. "They’ll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your spouse, nor the children you will have, you are still going to need your friends. You will need to go places with them now and then; do things with them. And remember that "friends" are not only your friends, but can be your sisters, your brothers, your daughters, your sons and other relatives too. You’ll need other women and men. We always do. "What a funny piece of advice," the young person thought. "Haven’t I just gotten married? Haven’t I just joined the couple-world? I’m now a married person, for goodness sake, a grownup, not a young child who needs playmates! Surely my spouse and the family we’ll start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!"

But the young person listened to their parents advice. They kept contact with their friends and made more each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, they gradually came to understand that their parents really knew what they was talking about. As time and nature worked their changes and their mysteries upon this person, friends were the mainstays of their life. After almost 50 years of living in this world, here are the truths in life that young person discovered:

Times passes.
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Love waxes and wanes.
Hearts break.
Careers end.
Jobs come and go.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favors.
Lovers don’t call when they say they will.
BUT friends are there… no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. Friends are never farther away than needing them can reach. When you have to walk that lonesome valley, and you have to walk it for yourself, your friends will be on the valley’s rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley’s end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you. Or come in and carry you out. My friends have blessed my life! The world wouldn’t be the same without them, and neither would I. When I began this adventure called life, I had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did I know how much I would need my friends and every day I need them still.