Christmas Carols From The Cuckoos Nest

1. Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder — We Three Queens Disoriented Are

3. Amnesia — I Don’t Know If I’ll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic — Deck The Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and …

6. Paranoid — Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder — Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Major Depressive Disorder — You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll tell You Why

9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder —Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells …

10. Agoraphobia — I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn’t Leave My House

11. Senile Dementia — Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe

12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder — I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

13. Social Anxiety Disorder — Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate 

Hemorrhoid Remover

 

HO! HO! HO!

This entry is dedicated to my beautiful daughter who made me promise almost a year ago to write an entry about hemorrhoids.  Writing this post is another lesson in delayed gratification…better late than never I always say!  (I love you, Christy)

 

There now is a simple solution for one of life’s perplexing problems (what to graciously do to get rid of the houseguest from hell who has overstayed their welcome).  Give the person a subtle hint by placing this special toilet paper in the guest bathroom…

 

Rule #1 — Mothers are always excluded from being considered a guest!!!

Merry Christmas From Red Kitten

Each year Christmas makes me cringe. I am Scrooge, the Grinch and whatever other Christmas hobgoblin exists rolled into one. Why do I hate Christmas? It most likely has to do with what I see it do to many people and that the season of giving turns into the season of dread for many. Last year I promised my daughter, Christina I would start early and listen to Christmas music starting in June. On June 1st I called her to sing "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen". Here are some Christmas photos to get her and I in the mood for the upcoming holiday season.

Ho Ho Ho….Merry Christmas!

The C*ck-eyed C*ckney C*ck sang C*ck-a-doodle-do in the C*ckpit while eating C*ckleburs

Dear Santa,

I know this is a really early request and it has nothing to do with me, but PLEASE give MSN sticks and coal for Christmas this year.  I hate to be a tattletale, but they have been alittle bit on the ridiculous side with the censorship thing.  Titles can’t contain certain words, but the body of the entry or comment can use anything the author wants to write.  What kind of sense does that make?  So if you could give them one of your BIG "ho ho ho’s" and then just do an exit stage left up the chimney without leaving anything good, I think that would great!  I’ll even take world peace and a Mercedes off my Christmas list this year if you can do this wee little thing!

I love you, Santa!

Always being bad, (but have a good attitude)

Karen

P.S. The tofu cookies and soy milk were just a joke last year!

Let’s Bring Back The Foot Races!

As a preface to this entry, I’d like to say that when I tried to publish this with the title "Let’s Bring Back The Nude Foot Races", the wonderful MSN censors wouldn’t let me use the horribly decadent word "nude". Happy Valentine’s Day, MSN!!!

According to history, Valentine’s Day is the day for lovers and birds. Nowadays we choose our valentines and traditionally send them cards, flowers and candy. [ Consider this a gentle reminder for the men...Valentine's Day is in 2 days!!!] The lover’s holiday has its beginnings in the 4th century B.C. in Rome. [ OOPS! I guess that blows the theory that love is only 300 years old...] The Romans held an annual lottery where young men would draw a young woman’s name from a box. [Was it a heart shaped box?] The couple would be assigned to each other the entire year for entertainment and pleasure. This celebration, traditionally was held on February 15 and also included banquets, dancing and foot races run in the nude. [Some of us might get pleasantly surprised from the luck of the draw! Besides, foot races in the nude might spice things up especially if the guy who drew our name was *fugly]

Around A.D. 496, early church fathers sought an end to the naughty pagan practice, but knew better than to upset the citizens by removing the lottery completely. [Leave it to the church to strip the enjoyment out of a perfectly fine hedonistic celebration] Instead, they had teenagers pull the names of saints from the box. The teen was supposed to spend the year emulating that saint’s life as much as possible, which was probably not as much fun as naked marathons. [Nah! Those teens loved giving up prancing around naked] St. Valentine was chosen as the patron saint of the new event, and young Roman men resorted to courting females by sending handwritten notes delivered on February 14. [okay, guys get busy writing and make it good! I want to see some real efforts in the notes!] It also was believed that this was the day birds chose their mates. What bird you saw on this day was meant to foretell the type of person you would marry. [I like penguins and peacocks, but with my luck, I'd probably see a chicken] Another way to foretell who your lover was going to be was to put some bay leaves under your pillow and you would dream of your future husband or wife. [Or you'd get hungry from sniffing the bay leaves and crave an Italian sausage]

Today’s tidbit:
I found many links to sites to say "I love you" in many languages, but only one  gave the inspirational redneck version. "Nice tits!" or "Nice Ass!" are the redneck equivalent of saying "I love you". If "Nice tits and ass!" are uttered together then this is usually followed by the romantic marriage proposal, "Now get in the kitchen, bitch and bake me a pie!"

 

*fugly is the the combination of the word "ugly" with another word on MSN’s hit list.  Wanna guess which one I mean?

© 2005 Abnormally Normal People. All rights reserved.
 

The Perfect Gift — Name A Star

Are you at a loss over what to get that special someone in your life for Valentine’s Day?  I have a suggestion… have a star named in honor of that person.  I know it might sound corny, but let’s face it, the whole Valentine’s Day notion reeks of sugary sweet corniness, but it’s a day that if we do have a special someone, that shouldn’t go unnoticed.  Afterall, we definitely want that special someone to know just how special they really are and how much we appreciate them.  What better way to declare your feelings than by making the person the "star" of your universe?  Now you can name that star and give the gift of immortality!

© 2005 Abnormally Normal People. All rights reserved.

Questions

I have always been a people watcher and make many observations.  I have to admit the conclusions I form from my observations are entirely based from a very single-minded way of looking at things! I sometimes write questions in my posts and more often than not the questions aren’t aimed at reflecting how I personally feel about something, but as a question just thrown out in cyberspace hoping for maybe some light to be shed on the issue.  I like when people interact and share what’s inside.  Sometimes I sit in a restaurant and see those around me not interacting with each other and I wonder how two people could sit and eat a meal and not have anything to say to each other.  Maybe silence is golden and what I think I see isn’t how things really are. Perhaps the anger, frustration and silence I think I see is something else…indigestion, the flu or a headache. When I was a young teenager, I remember sitting on a stoop watching the world go by one evening and thinking reality is what we perceive it to be. 

One man claims to hear the voice of God and who am I to say that God has not spoken to him or that He doesn’t exist? Oh yes, I can claim the person is mentally ill or explain it away using other reasons, but to that person who heard the voice, wasn’t it real? How about a person who is a visionary, someone ahead of their time and a great leader? They see things in a way that others can’t or won’t.  They set out to change the world one person at a time by trying to alter others perceptions of reality.  A skeptical person would have a hard time taking a leap of faith, but it does happen.  And for those  doubting that the spirit of Christmas exists, all they need to do is open their heart and reach out to someone in need.  What better way of saying "Merry Christmas" than by giving to someone else and not excepting anything in return?    

Peace On Earth

Bleak Morn writes, "It will be nice when the Iraqi insurgents start playing soccer with the coalition forces in Fallujah on Xmas day."  I believe peace starts within and radiates outwards.  Each person can want world peace or at least an end to the present war in Iraq, but without each person involved making  a commitment like  "let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me", there won’t be a lasting peace and the best we might hope for are moments of silence. Peace shouldn’t always be the responsibility of others and entirely left in the hands of those who rule.  Shouldn’t peace start with how we treat each other…our fellow man in any given situation on a daily basis and not something we hope for in times of war?  I know my feelings on the matter pretty much date back to the era in which I was raised, so perhaps my believing in brotherly love and wanting peace is as nostalgic as lava lamps and bell bottoms! Wait a minute, didn’t they make a comeback a few years ago? Yes, having the troops play soccer on Christmas Day would be not only nice, but an excellent way to remind everyone that the Christmas spirit is alive and well and not living in the shopping malls!